Saturday, May 24, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Liquid Cellar

I have to admit, Liquid Cellar did one very right thing when they came up with the drink specials for their bar. They offer a plethora of unlimited drink nights, with a cheap entrance fee, almost ever single day they are open, knowing it would only take a deal like that to get people in this beer pit of college trash. Please note that while $10 will get you unlimited drinks all night, drinking like this every week doesn’t come without a price. The picture below is a direct indication of what the asshole on the right will look like a year from now...



I continued to skim what appears to be the worst photosite known to this city in an effort to find some more typical dudebro's/douchebags/etc, but came to the conclusion that the photographer only had his lens aimed at the masses of forever 21 dresses paired with flip flops and god knows whatever this is.



And this



And this intelligent bar patron.



not to mention the whitest dancing



And a wonderful example of why no one graduates from this college:



In conclusion...



I found this bar as well as its pictures to be some of the most ugly and absolutely boring material I have come across thus far. Even if it was only via the internet, I hate you all for making me go here and am still confused as to why there is even a photographer in such a dump.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Mike Busey

Ladies and Gentlemen…



Meet Mike Busey.

You want to be his friend. And now you can have the chance! Be a part of the Busey is My Buddy fan club and welcome a lifetime of membership privileges that include but are not limited to:



A lapdance from an Orlando skank fresh of an std infested sex swing located in the very home of Mike Busey himself.



An all access pass to his home, The Sausage Castle, complete with your very own group of 7 Bithlo residents to keep you company for the night.



A yearly copy of a letter that Mike Busey requests from his "uncle" Gary Busey in Hollywood, so you can rest assure that Mike is still of C-list celebrity descent.

And a glimpse into the friendship of Mike Busey and this Jackass TV star:



No wait not Johnny Knoxville. This guy!



Wait no not Bam either. This guy!



Oh yes. You can stop rubbing your eyes. That IS actually Don Vito, Bam’s loser uncle. Think of how close you can be to him!

With this membership you are also entitled to a lifetime of second rate girls gone wild parties and every trailer park stripper in the city.

Again. All of this can be yours. For pennies you too can be living the Z-list celebtrity dream.



Join now for $.30 cents a year!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Blake Anger

Just for fun I decided to create Blake Stamos.





In the long run I don't know how much harm it does to basically say Blake looks like one of the most handsome men in Hollywood. But I still chuckled. I have to say though, it was this picture that made me spit my gatorade on the computer screen.



Like a little gay merman rising from a sea of golddd

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Blood On The Dance Floor

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Blood on the Dance Floor. It was left anonymously in the Kinetica post, and I just couldn't chance this sliding under the radar. I think this is the first time I've ever been just plain speechless since starting this blog. From the song titles to the rainbow bright doll sitting on his head, I'm at the point now that even I can't believe what is actually going on around us in Orlando. I mean I thought a few pairs of shutter shade sunglasses were reasons enough for people to kill themselves. Once again I am at a loss for words, with only someone's pictures and home video's here to help me describe to you the kaleidoscope of color fuck I have just laid eyes on.

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Blood On The Dance Floor 1st Tour Diary!



I thought the video and voice would help me better determine what exactly it was staring back at me in the pictures, but I am still at a total loss.

Exclusive! Clear all sharp objects away from your desk. You now have the chance to listen to a single! And please. Listen to it. Hearing the lyrics after watching the home video...is just priceless.





And call me opitimistic, but I have a feeling that NO ONE is going to come to this things defense.

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Deltronic


Don't expect many comments on this one. This is just a quick news flash about a complete moron from Florida. And who knows how old this news is, lord knows I've never paid attention to his whereabouts. Except that one time when he finally left Orlando...

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Delmar, ahem, currently known as Deltronic, and maybe after having his geeky body flung off the stage and out club doors by security at the last Justice show, has left the state of Florida and moved to Chicago!!! Could this be true?? Are there really no more club nights left to infect and destroy with his presence in this sunny state?



With that said, we wish you the best of luck! And by you, I mean the state of Illinois.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Kinetica


Oh god. Where do I even start with these two? Should I even write anything? Or should I just let you watch their music video that includes a special appearence of Link from Zelda and let you have at them yourselves. Please. Watch this. Then continue.



I have to say. After watching that I wanted to punch my dog, shoot my roommate and eat a baby. I couldn't even begin to describe every feeling that went through me. And it wasn't just the video. It was the whole myspace page in itself. I was sucked into a bizarro world of two people more conceited than I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I couldn't believe this wasn't a joke. Can you really, and I mean really, be this self involved??

Does your myspace headline actually really say:

"We're the statuesque color coordinated couple..."

Does your about me section really read like this??:

"Cathylee was living in westpalm beach attending PBAU when she added my profile. I was living in a little town in southern Oregon. I was a big fish in a small pond... We met briefly in a dance bar while I was on holiday in Miami. When I was visiting family in L.A. we talked on AIM. Sparks flew and we quickly became myspace lovers. Cathylee couldn’t resist my charms and had to have me, so she bought me a one way ticket to florida. Instead of boarding my flight to oregon I flew to westpalm with only a suitcase and a dream girl anxiously waiting for my arrival. I initially planned to only stay a week but we fell madly in love and I never went home. She dropped out of college to stay with me... It’s been nothing but a fairytale romance ever since, a story for the silver screen... These are our love songs to eachother. You’ll see our sassy salacious physiques onstage before you know what hit you... We’re coming like a thief in the night. We’re the dance sensation that’s sweeping the nation... We love sashaying so look for us at your local disco dance floor!

You're sassy salaci....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Really?!??!?! Who are your friends??? Why haven't they said ANYTHING to you yet.


P.S. I know. They are good decent hearted people who didn't deserve any of this blah blah blah.

The fuck they didn't.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Local Webcam Skank

Old news to some, new news to many. That's why I am here. To make sure we're all on the same page.

Julie was right. Why pick on her when there are ACTUAL internet hussies out there doing things much more interesting for every creep on the web. And before you get on me about not embracing the sexual revolution, I see nothing wrong with it. I also see nothing wrong with spreading the word on our local cam whores. Anyone up for a haggard blond, touched up photos and some shitty plastic surgery?

Woo!

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Renee's...I mean Ashton's page.

http://nogirlnextdoor.com/

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Stardust Grandma Bazaar


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Everyone gear up those one-speed bikes and save that money for a shitty sock puppet robot. It’s the Grandma Party at Stardust May 18th.

This is a special event for those who can’t afford to live in Brooklyn and attend events at the McCarren Pool. This however certainly does not mean they can’t rip off the same exact ideas going on there, only on a much much smaller scale. Before attending this event, please make sure you have read through the dress code and show up in the appropriate and contrived attire: tight denim jeans cut just above the knees, low top converse (no socks) or old saucony running shoes, faded out too tight t-shirt from goodwill, “Faux” vintage 80’s clothing from Forever 21, and hair that hasn’t been washed in at least two weeks.

In addition to your unwashed hair. Please do not forget to scare the shit out of anyone you have ever met in the bar who has yet to see you in the daylight. We’d hate for them to ever believe you weren’t half as pasty and greasy as you really are.

And last but not least, no cars. Now I know you drive that brand new Volkswagen Jetta, but we’d rather you just be cool like the rest of us kids and pretend that you only own a Schwinn from the 1970’s.


P.S . I support this sale. Just not your ugly boat shoes.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Snow Bunny

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I'm gonna be honest with you. I really have no idea what the hell I am looking at here, to even make a decent post.

All I know is its been 95 fucking degrees out for the past month now.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Aaron Wright

Come with me back in time. To 2002 to be exact. To a place called Backbooth, and a man named Andy. There was the grand opening of the venue downtown, live bands playing every other day, punk and grunge events, and a little night we fondly remember as Andy's Beer School.

Then one day there was a new owner. A dispute. No more Andy. And no original barstaff.

Enter Aaron Wright.

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A.K.A THE BOSS

As far as Aaron goes. I like the man. And as I heard, the original staff was overly pretentious anyways, so I don't give a shit if they are there or not either. But as far as the change in atmosphere of the bar goes? This was a fucking cool place. And Andy's Beer School was not only successful, but different from any of the 9,000 kiddy nights we have going on these days. I have yet to be in a bar/club/venue downtown with as many X's on the patrons hands, as your beloved Backbooth. You certainly can not be making ANY money off the sale of alcohol. At this point, you might as well just carve a round wooden circle into the middle of your bar's dance floor and make this a skating rink for teens to drink Dr. Peppers at every Friday and Saturday night. I'm sure the place would fair just as well.

Then it hit me. Of course. Aaron wants it this way. A grown man in his 30's with teenage girls at his disposal every night? How else could he have landed this classy 15 year old...er...18 year old broad?

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Downtown Jewelie Nobody

I'm sure you must have run into this Forbidden wannabe in Firestone's VIP section catering to her friends and not you, or in some button up wearing Happy Hour crowded bar. With only a couple million more friends to go on myspace, she is well on her way to becoming the likes of Tila Tequila and other myspace nobodys with tits and the ability to pose and be over photoshopped.

"photo removed at the request of copyright owner"

Nice artisticly painted arms Julie. (and btw, I'm calling you Julie for now on, because I am going to give your parents the benefit of the doubt and not believe they actually spelled your name any other way).

Trying to get a better idea of who Julie really was I tried out her myspace page. Thanks for adding me babe. I found what I needed and have already deleted you. Skimming through her overwritten about me section which seems to have been done up by an 11 year old, I noticed one thing that made me feel quite guilty over defaming this sweet innocent person. And that's that she doesn't seem to like all the attention she recieves on myspace at all. In fact she seems to find it appalling that any man would want to contact her just for her body and say dirty things in messages. Allow me to quote her.



"photo removed at the request of copyright owner"

Woops. Where did that come from? Anyways. On with the quote:


"I want to start Off by saying that if u plan on sending me a Friend Request Please atleast talk to me First but Please Do NOT send me Perverted messages Like " yo, Ma I want to slide up in that" Because first of all U are NOT going to get a reply back... ANd, then dont get mad when i dont... Just sit there and think of how Pathetic u are even writing that!!!!!!!"

That's true Julie. They are pathetic for thinking any such thing.

"photo removed at the request of copyright owner"

Oops. What the hell is going on here. Some how the pictures on your myspace page keep getting tangled in the blog. I've got nothing else. Just feel bad for poor
Julie and stop treating her like a piece of meat already. She is obviously more than that.

"photo removed at the request of copyright owner"

Friday, May 2, 2008

Defame Season 1

DEFAMED: Random Locals

This photo just made you asexual...

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The Real World: Apopka Reunion

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