Thursday, July 31, 2008

DEFAMED: Jeb Weinstein

What do you get when you cross a modern day door guy, Danzig, and Elvis?

Jebidanzig Elvistein ladies and gentlemen.

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If you thought this was just your run of the mill door guy, you must not have had to avoid being sung to by him while attempting to enter bbq bar. Expect to be blocked each and every time by a giant foot and leg flung out in front of you and the worst Fred Flintstone meets Elvis impersonation you have ever heard.

If you're a dumb enough bitch to actually think that being hit on by a 40 year old blue suede douche is cool, because he is "like oh my god the door guy for a dive bar", then feel free to bring your pussy over to any one of his "numbered invitation only " parties and do this for the camera after hours.

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Nice.

And if you are lucky enough to get one of these special party invites, don't forget to supply all the alcohol for his built in bar as requested. 6.55 an hour doesn't exactly get you a whole lot these days. Or just do like the creepy downtown troll Kellin did and steal a painting from his house. Oh Kellin, where IS your myspace page?

And is it a bit risky of me to defame someone who has this picture on their myspace?

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Nah. It's worth it.


Door Elvis

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Meet garage door Elvis

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sorry

I've been slacking. I'll try harder, but I never said I wanted to write this thing for a living, nor did I ever say it was updated daily or even weekly for that matter. Plus, it's summertime and I've been increasing my alcohol intake and sleeping a lot more. Now go on and post your anonymous and gratuitous "this blog is boring now" comments on a website you check 20 times a day. I'll be at China Express having lunch. And you'll still be here when I get back.

Stop relying on me to entertain you daily. It's too much pressure for me and honestly I am entirely too lazy to do any such thing.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

DEFAMED: Pop Off

You've all requested it a lot, which I find funny because I don't believe it has even happened more than once yet. But haters will hate regardless and obviously some of you got yourselves used, abused and tossed to the side by Cracker Jackson and have been eager for the opportunity to bitch about him. Or maybe you'll be able to give him another chance since he did change his stage name to something a lot more respectable to the ladies. Welcome the new DJ duo...

Fishdicks and Hardersauce.

If anyone checked the night out, you loved it and it takes off, then awesome. The more popular it becomes... the more popular the dj's get... the more they cheat on their girlfriends... the more material I will have for my site in the future. It's a beautiful cycle. And who knows, maybe the night really will be more successful than the last gig a couple of them got pitched from. Or was that also Firestone's fault?


What do I have to say about it? It seems kinda...generic. Same uncreative and typical club night neon flyer.

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Same typical shitty electro/indie/techno/hip hop whatever scene that’s already been beat like a dead fucking horse in this city. And everywhere else.

And a couple of nice guys that tend to a popular dive bar named after grilled meat


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who were inserted into the local automatic DJ replica machine on Robinson

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BEEP BEEP WURRR BEEP BEEP

and spit out looking like this...

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........

Yes, I blurred out Tyson's blood fingers in an effort to save his life. No one would ever let him display their gang signs with that sweatshirt on.

I haven't been and I might actually have faith in what these guys will do as a whole. They seem to have a good sense of humor between the group of them. But Eh. Call it more original. Call them more talented DJ's. You've got Kittybat? Great. I don't fucking care anymore. It's getting to the point that I really only care about how strong the drinks are in these places. Screw the music and the people, just get me wasted enough to barf all over your shiny shoes and turntables and head home. And feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but I now firmly believe that ANYONE with the right equipment can DJ in this city. Has Brad from the Summerbirds started yet? Because I can really see that next. Or maybe The Ladies of Alchemy as some giant tacky 80's dj powersquad with Michael and Yardley spinning in the middle. Hopefully they will all be in Brooklyn before it happens.

Friday, July 18, 2008

DEFAMED: Scene Confusion

If this is what we are all wearing now, call me butt fucking naked.

Hipster Scene...you know your scene is old when UCF is wearing your clothes. Time to find a new trend. Be proud of what you have accomplished (I think), because not even 3 months ago these very same popped collared preppies, at the time, were on this website making fun of your hair, music, girls and clothing. And now look...

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Raver Scene...plan for parenthood and the families that your 35 year old selves are in need of now and never look back. 1998 you shined (I think) and now your glow sticks have been scooped up by students decked out in Hollister shirts...

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Hip Hop Scene...I don't know if you guys know where you belong anymore. Kanye West has thoroughly confused all of you.

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Punk...ahh fuck it. I give up.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Well Well Well

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Best Local Blog


1st Place: DEFAME: Orlando

Best Venomous Blog
(Voted personally by the Orlando Weekly)

DEFAME: Orlando

And while Orlando Weekly (which doesn't count in my eyes) took away 1st in Best Local Website, DEFAME: Orlando took 2nd beating out Docta Dawe's Orange County Concepts who took 3rd.

And now for my acceptance speech:

Thanks to all the Defamed for being a bunch of retarded assholes. Thank you to the readers who commented, for being even bigger assholes.

Without you my site would be nothing.

Without my site you all would be nothing.

It's a wonderful team effort.


-Defame




Defame Season 1 episode guide

Now available in HD and Blu-Ray


DEFAMED: Rip Rockin' Richey 6/16/08
DEFAMED: Pounders/Octagon Bar 6/5/08
DEFAMED: Jamesson Beane 6/4/08
DEFAMED: Anti-Go Green Bar 5/28/08
DEFAMED: Liquid Cellar 5/24/08
DEFAMED: Mike Busey 5/20/08
DEFAMED: Blake Anger 5/18/08
DEFAMED: Blood On The Dance Floor 5/15/08
DEFAMED: Deltronic 5/15/08
DEFAMED: Kinetica 5/13/08
DEFAMED: Local (goodhearted) Webcam Skank 5/12/08
DEFAMED: Stardust Grandma Bazaar 5/11/08
DEFAMED: Snow Bunny 5/9/08
DEFAMED: Aaron Wright 5/8/08
DEFAMED: Downtown Jewelie Nobody 5/6/08
DEFAMED: Random Locals 5/2/08
DEFAMED: MC Rad 4/30/08
DEFAMED: Angry King Adrian 4/30/08
DEFAMED: Props 4/29/08
DEFAMED: E2G Photography 4/29/08
DEFAMED: Eriks Photobooth 4/29/08
DEFAMED: Pauly Crush's Nonsensical Club Attire 4/28/08
DEFAMED: Kanye West Shutter Glasses 4/24/08
DEFAMED : The Tropicals 4/23/08
DEFAMED: Ladder Climbers 4/21/08

Monday, July 14, 2008

Filler

Per BoredAssBitch's request:

This guy is dead now, but his friends and family want his legacy to live on and have brought back his website. I urge you to listen to this as loud as you can at work. I promise you won't get in trouble.

I now present you with Tourette's Guy...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

DEFAMED: Miss Mandy Murphy

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How to be a female myspace “model”


Have a friend list of no less than 5,000 friends. In the case of Miss Mandy, she has 22,000.

Be well below the standard height that real life fashion models are, that of which you could never be.

Plague your myspace with “professional” photos of yourself, you’ll know you have enough up there when your page refuses to load for anyone with a normal internet connection.

Build yourself a myspace fan site. Fan of what? Who the hell knows.

Build yourself a separate website that offers nothing interesting or entertaining. Just more pictures of yourself and probably a video blog where you will ruin anyone's sexual desire to be with you, by opening your mouth and telling us about your day.

Make sure your myspace page opens up with a giant picture of you and your full internet name (see top photo). Also, Create banners we can add, but never will, to our webpage. Like these...







Look 12 in your dad’s cowboy boots


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Credit: headhunterstudio.com

And most importantly give us the illusion that you are someone better and bigger than the girl we saw jumping around at crush and firestone every so often. Dedicate a page and a site to yourself, even though you’ve never accomplished a damn thing in your life other than joining a friend for a photoshoot in your underwear. Create this flyer…

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redit: headhunterstudio.com

or at least post it, proving to all, that you are loved and adored by everyone everywhere for god knows what. "The Entire Room Stares At Her" .........Really??? Seriously, what was written all over that flyer is fucking gross.

I can’t stand these photoshoot chicks . Now EVERYONE is a model and I thank myspace for this shit. I'm not denying that she's attractive. But do girls know how to just be attractive anymore without having to advertise the fuck out of it?


Thanks anonymous for the video. Here Mandy explains how she did NOT dole out an entire bands worth of blow jobs and surprisingly shows us an album cover vindictively made with a private photo of hers and her ex boyfriends...



Amazing.

"Hey guys, I just wanted to make this video to clear up a few things..."

A few things that none of us would have ever known about, had you not made that video dumbass.




Friday, July 11, 2008

DEFAMED: Nsync 4th of July Party

It came to my attention that our dear Chris Kirkpatrick's coattail rider Fritz was looking for pictures from Chris's Dude Bro 4th of July bash. Now I wasn't going to post on it, because it was all rather yawn worthy and really there wasn't much to unveil, but I just found it so damn entertaining that no one had pictures from this... except guess whooooooo...

Meeeeeee.

Defameeeee.



I love it. Being the evil infiltrator to the scene that I am, I was either there or sent my henchman to this wonderful shindig of yours. And yours truly is nice enough to post all the pictures that you've been in search of. Please note that I have nothing witty to say, nor do I care much about posting this entry. I just couldn't let the pictures go to waste.


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Hey is that Aaron Wright with the hat on and his back to us? Food was Mexican. And nothing says an American 4th of July BBQ like Mexican Food. Entertainment was provided by none other than the adidas sweatband clad cover band SWITCH and a vacant un-enthused chick in a bikini tapping an offbeat drum line.

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I know Fritz. You're probably looking for the 50 bikini clad anorexic 18 year old's at the party with man faces. This guy comes very close and at the same time was sooo much more picture worthy.

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And now for our shining little star of the party, Chris Kirkpatrick. If you thought that clothing in the pool was just for your fat little 12 year old brother, you were mistaken. Chris braved it all and took the plunge in a tank top and below the knee basketball shorts.



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He also played with a watergun under the water by himself for 20 minutes.

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And successfully ignored every female that was at the house. Uh oh. Look at that face in the corner. Nsync joined the pool party and someone's not getting enough attention.

And last but not least, Chris's toys from the good old days of the boy band life. Now if someone can give the guy some money for the gas that goes in them, you can all actually use that boat out in the lake next time.

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Yawn.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

DEFAMED: Quickie Randoms

I don't know why, but something about a guy with glasses in a Hollister shirt at a 2 Live Crew show bothers me.

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But not as much as seeing Docta Dawe in this t-shirt.

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And if you didn't think there could be worse than Docta trying to pop someone's vajayjay...

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You were very very wrong.

Although, THAT'S a 2 Live Crew Shot.

DEFAMED: Glitter and Gold

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I’ve been trying to hold off on doing this for so long. The photo of Miss Fit standing in front of a record in what I thought couldn’t be anything more than a photo shoot for an “Anti Vinyl” campaign almost did them in, but I took the high road (or should I say, The Road Less Traveled) and let her off the hook. I can no longer do so. And let it be known that this is not me defaming Anita so back off on the personal attacks, I’m sure she has lovely ankles. I’m defaming their site.

That Anita just happens to write for…

Why? Well recently, there was the insane amount of pressure they gave me to please them.

Defame orlando came back… Bad idea guys! You should have just went out on top. We'll see if season two will be a bust. But really, there isn't enough in Orlando to shit talk on. You've covered all the stops. Please prove me wrong though. I need something to read while I take a lunch break.”

Then there was her myspace blog:

“Why defame Orlando died”

Because the material was getting bad. The author was not in tune with the Orlando scene like everyone hoped for. They ran out of material, and wanted to go out on top. Good bye defame orlando, you'll be missed.”


Then there was me laughing at the irony of her calling MY material bad. I can’t even figure out what the hell you guys are blogging about half the time. In one entry there was a picture of this

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And later, you were trying to sell me baby kittens.

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Which are really fucking cute, but that's besides the point.. Unless this kitten hails from Chicago and DJ's Photobucket , I'm confused as to why he is on the blog. What really did you in was the following excerpt from Glitter and Gold. This is a personal favorite of mine, so listen closely as Miss Fit tries to humorously explain something we have all been bending our brains to figure out...

Lil Wayne's “LOLLIPOP” lyrics

Miss Fit: I will give out free kisses to the first person who can tell me what “I let her lick the wrapper” means. Here are my guesses.

Well with that said, I already quit the game, but go on Anita…

#1. I let her lick the condom? Oh how considerate of you Mr. Wayne!?! You let her lick the wrapper! As if she wanted to. Condoms taste like toxic waste. Nothing taste better than coagulated semen and spermicidal lubricant. Plus most people don’t use condoms if they’re blowing someone. But wait. We have our dear friends the flavored condom. These gems add fun and excitement to your sex life, on top of YEAST INFECTIONS AND BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS. Thats right folks, these flavored goodies are clinically proven to cause itchiness, burning and white discharge in the female genitalia. I guess if you are strictly using them for blow jobs, than I guess you’re good to go? So flavored condoms might be the wrapper?


#2. I let her lick my scrotum. This explanation settles with me a little more. I know that most men like their scrotums licked during oral sex. If you are a clean man, your scrotum probably taste like nothing (fingers crossed for you little hussies licking lollipops) Scrotums are wrappers to the balls, and balls are kind of shaped like blow pops? So thats my guess people.



Oh boy. First, please never write again. I have no fucking clue what you said in those last few sentences. And second, you know what all of that reminded me of? One of those awkward, forced laughter moments you have with a friend that you don’t know well enough to say “shut the fuck up ” to when they start trying to be funny and are failing miserably.

Miss Fit, I don't hate what you do, just stick to the music and avoid the wit. I’m sure there are at least two other versions of Katy Perry’s “ I kissed a girl” waiting to be remixed. Leave the bad mouthing to me, in the case of Lil Wayne, to Perez Hilton. And most importantly please do not worry about me failing at Season 2 and running out of things to write about on my blog. As long as you write for Glitter and Gold, I will always have material for Defame: Orlando.
And give me one of those damn baby kittens.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

DEFAMED: Sam Glicken(?)

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And after reading that flyer lets not forget, "The music I probably never wanted to hear..."

I'm backkkkk. And I'm starting with our dear Orlando Promoter Mr. Sam aka Cru Jones...

A man who has failed at quite a few nights. And a man who has built up quite a few other nights that we wish had failed. I will give you this much, you are determined. Let’s run down the list, and forgive me if I skip anything, because you’ve screwed up at so many fucking places I can’t even begin to keep up with you. We have or had 90's night at crooked bayou then at Voyage, a stint at Sat/Thurs (or Blackout, rather...a night that failed in general, maybe partly because of you), Rockstar Karaoke?, Old town?, and now The Globe...ehhh I don’t feel like getting into all of them.

I, however, am here to help. I’ve created a few nights and idea’s for you and I have a feeling they will be right up your alley. Especially since you seem to have a thing for blast from the past structures. Don’t thank me. Thank Orlando for still opening their doors one after another after another after another...after another...after another...etc, etc...for you.


8-Track Mondays @ Wing Shack.

Premise: Self Explanatory.

Transformer Tuesdays @ Walmart’s Lawn and Garden Center.
Premise: Bring your favorite childhood toys in from the 80s and Sam will make them dance LIVE to the music.

Retro LaserDisc Wednesdays @ Lazy Moon Pizza
Premise: Sam lifts giant cd’s into a music player and eats pizza.

Phonograph Thursdays @ Johnny Rockets
Premise: Sam will turn the handle on all the toe tapping hits of 1876.

Xylophone Zoo Wii Night Fridays@ Skull Kingdom
Premise: YOU pick the zoo animal. Sam and your animal of choice will play the xylophone by your side while you play your favorite wii game on the big screen in front of everyone.

Break Up CD Saturdays @ Sonics Semoran Blvd.
Premise: While you wait for your food alone and heartbroken, Sam pulls up next to you in his car and turns up the volume on all the tear jerking hits you weren't ready to hear yet.

Album Cover Sundays @ The Colonial Promenade Dollar Theatre
Premise: Sam plays a slideshow of album covers on the screen while standing off to the side, beatboxing.

Feel free to use those. You too, Chris Kirkpatrick and Fritz. Don't think I don't see you two eyeballing Xylophone Zoo Wii Night.

Ahh that felt good. Need more.

Oh Peanut Butter and Fridayssssss....